I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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