Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
