We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
