we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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