I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
