I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
