I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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