Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
