i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
