Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize