my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize