Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
