ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
