He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
