Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
