: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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