she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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