Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
