I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
