I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
