i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
