I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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