Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
