Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
