i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize