i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
