FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
