If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
