Pappa wants mamma naked
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize