So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
