Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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