Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
