Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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