i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
