One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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