I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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