You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are we still banned from the library?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
