there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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