Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
