How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
