I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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