I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
