How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
