I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize