Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
