A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
