What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
