after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
