Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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