Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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