You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
