Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
