Apparently you make a good broom.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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