I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
