Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
