I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
