After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
