My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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