you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
