sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
