In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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