you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
